Addicted to Thought

Where do thoughts come from?  They seem to just appear out of the silence of our mind.  They come in the form of words predominantly, but also images.  No one else can hear them or see them, which makes them very private and personal.  For the most part they are purely unintentional and random, but we take this voice in the head to be the only authority on what’s true and what’s not.  Therefore, thoughts make up who we think we are and who we think the rest of the world is.

Are thoughts really real though?  Can you hear them?  Are they at all tangible?  Think a phrase, like, “I am thinking these words,” and listen to see if they are audible.  Turn up the volume by thinking, “I AM YELLING IN MY HEAD!!!”  Do you hear anything?  Just listen to the silence that remains after the thoughts subside.  As you mentally yell, talk, daydream, etc., there is still only silence, before, during and after all thoughts.  Thoughts are like ghosts from the past, only we think they’re real and true.  No one else knows what we’re thinking, so we’re all living in our own little dream world covered up by invisible, inaudible words that govern how we live our lives.

It’s probably safe to say that thoughts are the number one cause of pain, suffering and death in the world.  Stressful thoughts lead to all forms of dis-ease.  Beliefs, which are simply organized bundles of thoughts, are what fuel wars between nations, and create great strife among people.  People don’t kill people.  Thoughts kill people.  This quote from Eckhart Tolle’s book, “The Power of Now,” sums it up nicely. “The human mind is a complex tool that can be used to solve all manner of problems, but it is also the source of all problems.”

Earlier today I heard my wife say, “Just thinking about it stresses me out.”  That pretty much sums up the source of stress in this world.  “It” doesn’t cause the stress, but “thinking about it” does.  The goings on are not necessarily stressful without negative thinking to accompany them.  Everyday events are just happenings before judgments (thoughts) enter the picture.

Let’s see what happens when we impose thoughts on the play of life.  Think of something stressful, whether it be something that has actually happened or just a hypothetical situation.  It could be anything from an argument or an embarrassing situation you once encountered, or to what you would like to say to someone who frustrates you, or even how you would feel if you lost someone near to you.  Take a moment to feel what happens in your body when you think about that situation...  Does your body tighten up?  Dig into that sensation that the thoughts trigger and feel that feeling in your body...  Do you feel emotional?  Don’t tell a story about how you feel, just see what it feels like to think that thought.

Now, ask yourself, “What’s really real, the thoughts in my head, or what’s here, now?”  Look around at your immediate surroundings.  Don’t label anything, just take it all in.  Is there anything to stress about when you don’t go mentally looking for a problem?  Fictitious scenarios in your head can seem real enough to cause bodily harm, whether it’s in the form of stress, tension, or emotional upset. These symptoms can not exist without the help of thoughts, which we’ve already determined to be less true than your direct experience of the present moment.

Unfortunately, thinking is largely incessant, repetitive, involuntary and counter productive to living a fulfilling life.  However, the challenge here is not to stop thinking.  That would be as maddening as being stuck in compulsive thinking.  For example, when I get a song stuck in my head that won’t go away, it gets frustrating when I try to make it go away simply because I’ve made having it stuck there into a problem.  The mind’s job is to generate thoughts, so they will keep on coming.

However, we spend a great deal of time each day not thinking, and touching base with those countless gaps between thoughts is very beneficial.  Those are the short-lived moments of peace that get overlooked.  “What peace? I haven’t experienced any peace lately,” you might say if you have been stuck in compulsive thinking a lot lately.  But the peaceful gaps are there, and you can find them once you know what to look for.  Then, it’s just a matter of looking as often as you can remember.

How to Step out of Compulsive Thinking

There are a myriad of teachings that can be used to “get into the gap” between thoughts, many of them involve a formal meditation practice, which turns some people off.  I don’t have a formal meditation practice myself, though there are definitely benefits to having one.  Instead, my methods of becoming mentally quiet involve simply directing of attention away from thoughts (the self imposed labels I have ascribed to the world around me) to what lies underneath, and becoming fully present. 

It seems that asking questions of oneself works quite well at directing attention, which is why asking questions like, “Who am I really?” or, “What is looking through these eyes?” are popular methods of seeing what lies below/behind/before thoughts.  In addition to self inquiry, there are a few other questions I’ve found helpful lately.  One is, “Am I thinking now?” Ask the question of yourself, then look at where your thoughts would ordinarily be.  Are there thoughts present now?  Look around in the mind with the mind’s eye (so to speak) to see if you can find a thought....

Most likely you will find only silence when you go looking for thoughts, but if you find thoughts are present bring you’re full attention to them and recognize them as just thoughts.  When you become aware of your thoughts, you assume the position of the witnessing presence that you truly are and thoughts tend to dissipate when that happens, leaving behind that gap of “no mind” as it is sometimes called.  Once thoughts can be witnessed impartially, they lose their addictive quality and can be more easily let go.  Remember not to make getting sucked back into compulsive thinking into a problem, because it’s not until you make it into one.

Eckhart Tolle suggests a very similar approach to silencing the mind, wherein you ask yourself, “I wonder what I am going to think next?”  Then, “Watch the mind like a cat watches a mouse hole,” as he says.  When thought occurs, simply ignore it and return to watching.  This puts you in a state of alert attentiveness that is very conducive for meditation, or simply getting out of your head.

In addition to looking for thoughts, which ironically tends to quiet the mind, there is another little pointer that has worked for me.  Ask yourself, “What is the sound of sunshine?”  Listen closely for it.  Surely it makes a sound, even if it’s so quiet no one hears it.  Direct all of your attention toward hearing the sound of sunshine....

That question points toward the underlying silence that is always here.  That silence is the only real constant in our lives, and it is the peace we’ve been searching for.  It’s always here, right under our noses, before thoughts and ideas start to muddy the waters.  As Byron Katie likes to ask, “Who would you be without your story?”  The simple answer is alert, aware, ever present stillness (a.k.a Peace-Love-Bliss).

In Peace,
Trey

Book Related News

I wanted to share a few exciting tid bits of news for me.  One of my past blog posts (titled Fear of Life) was recently published in a book called, "The Journey Home: Discover Heaven on Earth."  I've added a link to it on the Media page of my website, but it is basically a compilation of stories from different people about their search for inner peace, and what peace really is.  It's an honor to be included in a book with many well known and respected spiritual teachers from around the world.  Here is an excerpt from the back cover:

 "The Journey Home, at its core, is a collection of love letters from around the globe as we travel down the path of discovery. And what an amazing journey! Won’t you join us? Come home to yourself and discover Heaven on Earth."

"This is the story of the road to nowhere, a journey of the heart. Like many facets of the same diamond, we are the collective ONE; each with a sacred story to share of our journey on this road called Life. Life is not who you are, but rather an experience pointing you back toward who you are."

If you are interested in purchasing a copy, I've set up a Pay Pal link on my Media page as well.  It's hot off the presses so I haven't finished reading it yet, but it looks like a great book.


Another Book Review:

Another exciting piece of information is that my book (A Seeker's Guide to Inner Peace: Notes to Self) has been reviewed in the September issue of Rapid River Magazine.  This is a local magazine to the Asheville area you can find at news stands at places like Earth Fare.  If you can't find a paper copy, you can check out the book review online at - http://issuu.com/rapidrivermagazine/docs/rriver_sept2012/13


Book Signing:

One last piece of exciting news for me is that Malaprop's Bookstore in downtown Asheville has booked me for a book reading and signing on January 13th.  That's a ways a way I know, but I just had to share.  I'll keep you posted on that as it gets closer. 

If you haven't had a chance to read my book yet, I've gotten a great deal of positive feedback from it.  It appears to be helping a lot of people, which is all that really matters to me.  You can pick up a copy at Malaprop's downtown, or I have links to purchase it from various online bookstores on my website.  I'll also bring a few copies to the Awakening Practices Group meeting tomorrow.  I hope to see you there.

In peace,
Trey

Flash Forward

Our little girl (now nicknamed Precious by me) is 3 months old already, and just keeps getting cuter by the day.  One of the most joyful things in the world is watching her smile and try to talk.  I’m teaching her to say “Hi,” and she has done it a few times now.  Most of the time it’s just cooing.  I could just spend all day gazing into her curious eyes, but there is work to be done.

Bella is sleeping more and fusses less than she did in the beginning.  We’re all getting to know one another better, and parenting is becoming more instinctive.  Sometimes I look into her big eyes and the realization hits me again – Holy ____ , this is our baby!  It’s so bizarre and magical to think that we in effect co-created this little Being.  A new life has been born into the world, and I’m staring right at her.  Pure wonder and innocence wrapped up in a miniature human body. How amazing is that?

Anyway, the other night she was having a tough time falling asleep, so I was slowly dancing and rocking with her hugged into my chest while humming some ad lib tunes.  I’ve done this more times than I can count since she was born, but this time something strange happened.  My mind flashed forward to me dancing with her at her wedding reception.  In my vision it was like flashing forward to a time when I was having a flash back.  In my vision I was dancing with my grown daughter and flooded with the memory of dancing with her as a little baby, which is what I was actually doing at the time.  I felt a surge of emotion and started to cry as I continued to hold her and rock her. 

I suddenly realized why many parents cry at their children’s wedding.  There is an emotional roller coaster akin to sadness upon the recognition that your baby is all grown up now, accompanied by a joy in seeing how they have blossomed.  One might also fear that the shared past between parent and child may be forgotten on this new journey and that their bond may be weakened as a result.

I laughed at the fact that I was crying about some future event that may never even happen, but enjoyed the feeling of the insight experienced in that momentary trip to the future, which was made emotional by the past as seen from that future perspective.  To be honest, I really haven’t spent much time thinking about what her life will be like when she’s older, I’m just enjoying being present with her now, as she is.  To be fully present with her is to be in joy.

Thoughts come and go, bringing any type of emotional response.  We really have no control over what we’re going to think next.  We do have the ability to let thoughts take us over or ignore them, though it takes presence and alertness to recognize when we are being taken over by our thoughts.  In this case, I recognized what my thoughts were doing and allowed them to have their way with me (so to speak), knowing that it was all just a play.  I woke up in the dream and allowed myself to keep dreaming because it was a pleasant dream.  Tears of joy are very profound, so I chose to let them come.

In-Joy,

Trey

PS
Oddly enough, when I went to tell my wife what had happened, I got choked up all over again and had to hold back tears and laughter in order to tell her.

A Rude Awakening

We are all born into this world naked and screaming.  That’s just one of many experiences we all share as human beings, even if we don’t remember it.  My wife and I were fortunate enough to witness this miracle first hand when our daughter, Izabella Luna, was born on April 18th.  What a wondrous experience it was.  But what a rude awakening it must be for a baby to be thrust from a warm, dark, safe environment, where all of her needs are met, to a bright, cold, unknown world full of lights, strange objects and unfamiliar sounds.  All of the sudden, she is at the mercy of all these people who want to poke and prod her, dress her, bathe her, swaddle her.  She experiences hunger, which must be a foreign feeling given that her needs have been taken care of in a warm cocoon up until now, and the only language she has to express herself is crying and screaming.

Well, this has been a rude awakening for me too.  I naively thought that only unhappy babies cried and that our baby would be different.  Boy was I wrong.  The first several days and nights were a real wake up call for me.  Not only do babies cry a lot, they cry at the top of their lungs, sometimes while kicking and screaming.  I haven’t spent much time around babies in my life.  In fact, you could probably count the number of babies I’ve held on one hand and have fingers to spare.  Now, I’m living with one 24/7 and learning the art of baby whispering.  Survival mechanisms, instincts and helpful advice have come into play, and we are all beginning to learn how to live with each other.

When she cries, and we’ve made sure her basics have been covered (i.e. fed, clean diaper, etc.), then I try to soothe her.  It’s so amazing that this little being can scream like she’s being murdered for no apparent reason.  It’s even more amazing when I can get her to calm down.  Using the 5 S’s (Swaddling, Side/Stomach, Shhhh, Swinging, Sucking), and a few other tricks, I can usually calm little Bella down dramatically (even if that’s only for a few minutes).

Something amazing happens when a baby becomes calm after a crying fit.  Once that relaxation switch is triggered, through what ever method, her eyes become wide and clear.  She has awakened from a fit of confusion and frustration (or so it would seem from the observer’s point of view) to that of a wide-eyed and curious child who’s just taking in her surroundings.  That’s a beautiful sight to see.

Another beautiful sight to see is the amount of joy that shines on the faces of those who look upon little Bella Luna.  It’s so heartwarming to see my wife look into her baby’s eyes and smile as she tells her how much she loves her.  It’s also beautiful to see my parents melt with joy when they hold her in their arms. Of course she’s also got me wrapped around her little finger.  I wear her on my chest a lot, which calms her and allows us to do things around the house. 

She has taught me (and continues to teach me) a new level of patience and humility.  I’ve learned not to take her crying personally, and I’ve developed a sense of humor around behavior which could otherwise be very disturbing.  I notice when I experience frustration and I let it go, over and over, knowing that babies cry and it is completely natural (as is feeling frustrated and helpless). 

Acceptance is the key to survival, and Izabella is my newest and most powerful teacher (and loudest).  She is four weeks old as I write this, so our journey has just begun.  I have a lot to learn from her yet, but I am ready, willing and able.  The shock of the rude awakening is passing for both of us, as she and I continue to adapt to her life outside the womb.  As this dance of life continues, I fall deeper in love with her every day.

Much love to you and yours,
Trey

PS - It’s almost 2:30 am and I’ve spent the last hour or so trying to get her to fall asleep and stay that way.  It’s like a game we play, and I eventually win ;)

Radio Interview on Conversations with Avant-garde Sages

I was recently interviewed on Conversations with Avant-garde Sages.  We discussed my new book, "A Seeker's Guide to Inner Peace: Notes to Self."  Trip Overholt was the host, and we had a good conversation.  Please visit their website to listen to the interview.  If you are interested in ordering a copy of the book, it's available on Amazon.com in softback and Kindle.
In-Joy,
Trey
http://www.treycarland.com

The Never Ending To Do List

Do you ever experience periods of overwhelm regarding the amount of things that need to be done? If so, you’re not alone. Lately I have had a lot of projects calling me in different directions. With a new baby on the way, a great deal needs to be done to prepare the house for her arrival (which is coming in a few days!).  In addition to preparing for a new miniature resident, I have to keep up with my work.  It’s the busiest time of the year for our business, and I have been struggling to keep up for months now. I work from home and set my own hours, which gives me the flexibility to do other things when called into action, but that also opens the door for my work to get neglected (hence the 200 plus email backlog I have). I’m also trying to find time to write and promote my new book (A Seeker’s Guide to Inner Peace: Notes to Self), as well as raise money for the upcoming March for Babies fund raiser.  In addition to all of that, there are the typical chores of being a human (i.e. cleaning the house, mowing the yard, doing laundry, cooking, etc.).

I’m not telling you all of my woes hoping you will throw me a surprise pity party (though that would be kinda fun). I’m simply laying out an example of how work, chores and life can become a burden that obstructs our view of what’s right here, right now. For example, sometimes, when I walk the dogs outside, I will see a whole host of “to dos” around me.  Instead of seeing the trees and flowers, I see all of the things I need to do, or would like to do.  I see my long term plans for the landscape. I see all of the trees I need to cut and brambles that need to be slashed and burned, and I visualize how I would go about taking care of this type of deferred maintenance. That’s often accompanied by a sense of urgency to do something before it gets more out of hand, followed by a sense of futility because it can’t be done anytime soon.  Then, I’m reassured by a sense of, “It will get done when it’s supposed to,” which is occasionally followed by a sense of doubt in that laissez faire attitude. 

The mind can become a spinning top, grappling with its feelings of inadequacy until all I see is a never ending to do list around me.  Instead of the beauty of nature, I only see things to do. When I catch myself entering that pit of despair, I become present to it. I acknowledge those feelings and allow them to be there.  I then check in with my own sense of beingness.  I remind myself that I have become lost in my head again and focus on what’s right here, right now, instead of what I think “should” be done.  I remember that I am exactly where I am supposed to be, doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing, at any given moment.  In fact, I have no choice to be doing (or not doing) what I’m doing right now.  This moment is what the Universe has intended for me, and no amount of self doubt will change that. 

Once I’m present, and not lost in the past or future, I can then allow myself to follow a particular impulse to do something (or do nothing).  Feelings of guilt may arise when I am doing one thing and feel like I am neglecting another, which I am experiencing right now as I write this when there are a million other things that need to be done before our baby is born (in a few days).  What do I say to help alleviate that guilt? “I have no choice. This is what I have to be doing.” I suggest that when you’re answering a call to do something you enjoy doing, enjoy it rather than feel guilty about not doing something else.

Now, I feel pulled to do something else and will stop here. My wish for you is that you learn to identify when you are looking at a to do list instead of what’s really real. Pay attention to those feelings of guilt and overwhelm when they occur, and recognize them as your body’s reaction to your thoughts about what “should” be. Remember that your thoughts are only a reflection of your past programming, and are really not yours to control.  You can’t control how or what you think, but you can decide how to respond to them when you realize they are causing you stress.

If you feel like you “should” be doing something you can’t do right now, surrender the idea that it needs doing (for now). Surrender to the reality of this moment. You can’t do anything other than what you are doing right now, so give what you do now your fullest possible attention. Marvel at the body/mind’s ability to function in the way it does. Marvel at its innate intelligence to perform the necessary tasks when called upon. Imagine that your “doing” is actually like breathing. You’re not doing it, it’s just happening organically as a continuation of the wave set in motion when you were born (or even before).

Enjoy all that you do because you have no choice but to be doing it.

Peace,
Trey

PS - I wrote this in four sittings over the course of about a week. Each time I sat to write, I was called to do something else. This is not a bad thing, it is simply what was. I do my best to follow my intuition and go with the flow, without sweating the little stuff. I can then witness how cool it is that necessary things get done.

Pure Potential

As I’m sure you are aware, Spring has sprung forth and is giving life back to the plants and trees that have been dormant for the past few months.  Insects and birds are fluttering about on warm breezes that just beckon me outdoors.  Life’s potential to give birth to more life is in action, and I feel compelled to write about it.

If you believe in the Big Bang theory, then billions and billions of years ago there was nothing.  Just empty space.  In that space nothing existed except the potential for everything to exist.  From that perspective, you could say that everything that could ever be, already existed in its potential, but had not started to manifest yet.  Then, theoretically, something happened and manifestation began with a massive explosion.

The potential for everything we are today existed before manifestation began, and has continued to exist throughout time.  Even before we are born, the potential for our existence is present.  In fact, each individual’s potential to exist was present at the beginning of time.  Potential is the one thing that hasn’t changed since before the Universe was born, and it is still that same unchanged potential today.  Life is the substratum of pure potentiality.  Anything can happen.  Anything will happen.  Anything is constantly happening.  The possibilities are as infinite as the Universe and its billions of galaxies.

It’s amazing to think about just how possible everything is in our everyday lives.  Did you ever dream you would be here, where you are, doing what you are doing now?  Rather than get bogged down thinking about a less than satisfying life situation, just recognize that you could not have predicted this moment and all that it contains.  Who you know, where you work, where you live, what you like, etc., could not have been predicted with any level of certainty when you were younger.  All the unexpected twists and turns in your life have led you to this moment, and it’s impossible to know what future twists and turns there will be and where they will steer you.  You can’t know with absolute certainty where you will be 10 minutes from now, much less 10 years from now.  Imagine that!  But the potential for you to be anywhere, doing anything, is here now.

There are many enjoyable stories about how one little twist of fate caused a domino effect of events that led to some totally unpredictable outcome.  A movie called, “Sliding Doors” comes to mind, where we follow a woman as she runs to catch a train.  The story splits and we follow the story of the woman who caught the train, and the story of the same woman who missed the train.  The one little twist, which I believe was caused by bumping into someone and dropping something, caused that woman’s life to turn out totally differently than had she caught the train.  Not to give away too much, but the woman who caught the train discovered that her husband was having an affair and left him to start a new life.  The woman who missed the train did not catch her husband and ended up staying in the relationship.

The point of the matter is not to get caught up in the “what ifs” of how my life has turned out thus far and what it will be like in the future.  After all, what has already happened was unavoidable and completely necessary.  It can be fun to speculate on the endless number of scenarios that might lay in store for us in the future (or worrisome if you tend to have a more negative outlook on life).  But the point of the story is to serve as an example of how each moment of Life shapes the next, and how totally at the mercy of Life we truly are.

Right now, in this moment, the only thing that’s real is the pure potential for anything to happen.  Right now, Life is manifesting before your eyes, out of a sea of endless possibilities.  Each moment is created anew, ever changing, with the exception of potential.  Potential is permanent, but what it creates is always moving, always unpredictable, and always uncontrollable. 

This can be a bit frightening to consider because most people would prefer to maintain some level of control of their lives.  In a lot of cases we have some sense of security because we are able to make plans that seem to happen, which lulls us into a false sense of being in control.  Inevitably, something happens to remind us that we are not in control, and that the future is unknowable.  How could we foresee the future when the possibilities are limitless?

When we’re born, we are born as pure potential.  We are clean slates with no known future, with the potential to become anything.  Nothing can be known and everything is possible.  I’ve been contemplating this a bit lately now that we’re getting ready to have a baby.  I’m pushing 40, which could mean I’m about halfway through my journey on this Earth.  It’s been an interesting journey that I never could have predicted, and there’s no telling what the rest of my life has in store, much less the life of our daughter.  Though it can seem like I’m not really “going” anywhere, as in the life situation seems to be in a holding pattern and upward mobility is limited, all I have to do is look at how much changed in the first half of my life to realize how much potential for change there is in the last half of my life.

They say having a child naturally starts you thinking about your own mortality because you have basically created your replacement (I read that in a magazine somewhere).  It makes sense though, especially having waited until my mid-life to create a new life (so to speak).  My wife is getting ready to give birth to a bundle of Joy with endless potential.  Theoretically, I’ll get to witness how the first half of her life plays out.  It’s only natural to wonder what she’ll be like.  I don’t have any expectations, just wonder and curiosity.  She could end up President, or married to an ex-con.  She could end up never leaving her hometown, or travel the world and live in some far away land.  She could be a great musician, or a teacher.  It really doesn’t matter, and I don’t spend time thinking about all of the possibilities.  Instead, I get joy out of just recognizing and accepting that unknowable potential exists for her (and for everyone else).

I invite you to sit with the idea of infinite possibility, without getting sucked into the specific hopes, dreams, aspirations, regrets, etc.  Once you get that brief glimpse of that excitement over the “anything possibleness” nature of Life, let go of any desired outcomes and just know that from right now anything is possible.  Feel what it feels like to know that endless possibilities exist, and feel what it feels like to trust Life’s ability to take care of you and guide you where you need to be.  That may not be where you want to be right now, but where you want to be is constantly changing, while Life’s plan is unwavering.

Regardless of your age, you can end up anywhere, doing anything, at anytime, without you getting a say in the matter.  If you can’t control it, why not marvel at it as it unfolds.  Potential is constantly being realized and all you need to do to enjoy it is acknowledge it for the miracle that it truly is.  Be present to it and let it do its thing.

Anything is possible.
Anything is probable.
Anything is inevitable.

Potentially yours,
Trey

Grandmother’s Eulogy

Death is a mysterious gift.  It brings loved ones together, by separating them from the ones they love.  We’ve all been brought together today because of our love for my Grandmother, and all those whose lives she’s touched.  Her passing is a gift.  Just as her life was a gift.  No one wants to think about their own mortality, but we all know we’re not getting out of this thing alive.  A death in the family is just another wake up call, reminding us that we only have a short while on this Earth.  The amount of time we have here can never be known, and death is nature’s way of reminding us not to squander the time that we have.

My Grandmother was fortunate.  She spent 94 years here, most of which were spent in good health.  My wife and I had a daughter, Stella Grace, who was not so fortunate.  She was born on my Grandmother’s 92nd birthday, and only lived for an hour and 47 minutes.  It’s amazing how many lives were touched by our little girl, despite her short life.  One can only wonder how many lives my Grandmother touched in her 94 years.  And I can assure you that both will continue to touch lives long after they’re gone.  I know that every December 23rd our family will be celebrating the lives of two very special women.

So, if you’re sad, be sad.  But don’t forget to be grateful.  Be grateful for this gift of Life we’ve all been given.  It’s so precious.  I owe my life, at least in part, to my Grandmother.  Had it not been for the birth of my Grandmother, my Mother would not be here today.  Had it not been for my Mother, I would not be here today.  And if I were not here today, my wife would not be carrying, what promises to be the most precious child to ever walk this Earth.  Though I may be a bit biased.

Had it not been for the birth of my Grandmother’s parents, Ben and Susan Cunningham, many of you would not be here today either.  And had it not been for my Grandmother’s death, none of us would be gathered here today.  We have been presented with an opportunity to celebrate not only her Life, but Life itself.  It’s a miracle to be here at all, and death is the most powerful reminder we have of how precious Life is.

So let us rejoice in this gift of Life we’ve been given, for it truly is a miracle.  Let’s not live each day as if it’s our last.  Let’s live each day as if it’s our first.  Let life begin anew every moment of everyday, with a sense of gratitude for your mere existence.

I want you all to close your eyes for a moment.  Take a deep breath, and slowly let it out.  Now see what it feels like to be alive.  Do you feel your heart beating?  Do you feel your lungs breathing in and out?  Do you feel your arms, legs, abdomen, head, face?  What does it feel like to inhabit your body?  Now take another deep breath and smile in gratitude as you exhale.  That’s the feeling of Life that is ever present in all of us.  The secret to opening the gift of Life is simply to see what it feels like to be alive.  Feel Life as often as you can.  It’s always feeling you.

In peace,
Trey

Smile for Awhile

Did you know the muscles in the face are the strongest muscles in the entire body?  I just made that up.  But it sounds good doesn’t it?  You may not be able to pick up a heavy object with your cheeks, but you sure can pick up a heavy spirit that way (which is often times much heavier).  It’s pretty amazing really.  The muscles in your face responsible for lifting the corners of your mouth to form a smile :-) actually have a psychological affect on you and the people around you.

There is a direct correlation between our body and our minds, and it works both ways.  For example, look what happens when you think about an embarrassing event in your past, or something coming up that you are really dreading.  If you sit with that scenario in mind for a moment, then check in with your body, you will probably find tension in certain muscles.  You may have to pay close attention in order to pick up on that, but our bodies can’t tell the difference between what’s real and our thoughts about what’s real.  It’s much more noticeable when you check in with your body while watching a suspenseful movie, but I digress.

I invite you to see what it’s like to manipulate the mind-body connection going in reverse (so to speak).  Close your eyes and check in with your body.  Just notice if there is any tension anywhere, and just allow it to be there.  Tension is okay. Now, with your eyes still closed, smile gently to yourself :-) Notice your breathing as you smile. See how your body feels when you smile.  Does it feel lighter? More relaxed? Take another deep breath while you smile and just feel what it’s like to have a smile on your face. It may make you smile more when you realize you are smiling for no reason.  The sense of silliness of this exercise may feed on itself and make your smile even broader.

When ever it occurs to me, which is often times when I’m driving or feeling a bit tense, I smile to myself.  I also find it helpful to smile at the little voice in the head when I notice it going round and round like a top that won’t stop spinning.  We take our thoughts so seriously, which is the root of all tension.  As Byron Katie likes to say, “Reality is always kinder than our story about it.” For example, can you be stressed out about something without thinking about it?  Is there ever a problem before we think one into existence? Our life situation is only as serious as we think it is, and it’s always less serious than we think. The simple act of smiling takes the seriousness out of our story and replaces it with a sense of ease. 

Eckhart Tolle suggests in his book, The Power of Now, that we not take our thoughts too seriously as part of learning to disidentify with the voice in the head. When we smile at the voice in the head, we take away its power over how we feel, which leaves room for us to relax.  Relaxation makes us smile, and smiling helps us to relax.  In the words of the famous Zen master, Thich Nhat Hanh, “Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy.”

Say cheese :-)
Trey

Fear of Life

As you may already know, my wife Shelby is pregnant again.  Needless to say, there is a new air of excitement going around as this new addition grows in her mother’s warm and loving belly Yes, that’s right, it’s a girl :-).  So far, the baby seems to be doing well with no noticeable health issues.  She’s very active in there, too.  Every time Shelby feels kicks and flips I can’t help but think about how crazy that must be.  There’s a little human being in there flailing about, learning how to operate their tiny little limbs.  It’s just miraculous.  I’m getting to feel and see the movements too :-)

It’s been a little over a year since we lost our first little girl, Stella Grace, and we’ve found ourselves on almost the exact same schedule.  Sprout (our nickname for new baby-to-be) is estimated to arrive on April 20, 2012, while Stella was estimated to arrive on April 17, 2011.  Pregnancies after a loss tend to be experienced a bit differently anyway, but having the same schedule makes it seem even more special.  After a loss, the innocence of what can go wrong is gone, and is replaced with the burden of knowing the myriad of things that do go wrong.

The loss of innocence can be painful, and may leave behind a permanent scar.  It also leaves behind a changed perspective on life.  In complete innocence there is no fear, and in a state of no fear there is peace.  After innocence is damaged, fear is born.  Fear wants to protect us from harm so that we may enjoy peace once again, but fear and peace can not coexist.  A return to innocense will bring about peace, but past experience has told us that it is dangerous to allow ourselves to be that vulnerable again.  We remember being hurt when we were innocent, and the mind can point to the painful experiences we’ve had when we lost innocence, thereby justifying the need for fear.

The mistake here is that fear would not have protected us from the pain incurred by a loss of innocense.  Fear can’t really protect us from anything, except maybe peace.  Though that makes perfect sense, believing it doesn’t make fear go away.  Experience tells us that there is no end to the things that could potentially go “wrong” in any given life, before or after birth, which is why many of us live in fear of life, or, put another way, we fear living a life without fear.  We “know” too much to be fully at ease all the time.  So let’s look at what we “know” at the root of this fear.

Life is Scary.

You never know what’s going to happen from one minute to the next.  Something bad always happens when I let my guard down.  If I don’t worry I won’t be ready when the worst case scenario happens.  If I allow myself to fully relax I’m putting too much trust in a life that can’t be trusted.  Life has let me down so many times I can’t even count.  I’m scared of not knowing what’s going to happen next.  I’m angry that I can’t ensure things turn out the way I want.  I don’t know what to do.  I don’t want to have to worry, or keep my guard up, but trusting life might jinx the outcome.

Is That True?

Pain is unavoidable in this life, but what if it’s completely necessary?  What if our suffering is part of a master plan?  What if this master plan has our best interest at heart?  Is it possible to put trust in life’s plan?  How does it feel to let down your guard and trust life?  Sit with that last question and really experience letting your guard down about a particularly stressful situation.  What does it feel like to surrender?  Do you experience fear?  Loss?  Relief?  Joy?  Resistance?  Do you want to cry?  Laugh?  Both?  Just sit with that experience of allowing yourself to be completely vulnerable, without judging yourself or the situation. [I highly recommend Gina Lake’s book, “Trusting Life.”]

Looking Inside

An interesting thing about fear is that it typically has a bodily sensation that goes with it.  When you are experiencing some sort of stress or fear, check in with your body to see if there is any tension.  Once you locate it, direct your attention to that area of the body.  Feel that tension and allow it to be there, fully.  Give yourself permission to be tense.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with any physical or emotional response that you have.  Welcome it all and see how that feels.

At a recent satsang with Benjamin Smythe (http://www.benjamintsmythe.com), we were talking about the fear of life.  Benjamin is known for traveling around with a large sign that says, “You’re Perfect!”  He finds a public place to sit or stand and just holds the sign up to people walking by.  He gets a wide range of responses, ranging from gratitude to indifference to anger.  The thing is, he no longer cares what kind of response he gets.  As he will tell you, his fear is gone (enlightenment has a tendency to do that to a person ;-).

During the satsang I told him that I had some fear of life in me, and asked if I should go stand somewhere holding a sign like him.  We all had a good chuckle, but then he asked if I had any fear at that moment.  I admitted that I did have a little (sort of like a mild stage fright you might get if you were admitting a perceived weakness in front of a large group of people).  He told me to check in with my body to see if I could feel any tension.  I located some tightness in my thighs and my upper arms, and relayed that information.  He congratulated me and invited me to completely allow that tension to be there.  As soon as I did I started laughing.  I was able to see through the fear.  It was just an illusion.  Benjamin explained that dealing with fear may be more easily dealt with on the physical level because the mind is what created it in the first place, and it’s hard to get the creator of fear to alleviate it.

So What?

How does all of this serve me in my current life situation, dealing with a potentially stressful pregnancy?  One key is to take things one day at a time (remain present).  During a recent event that caused us some concern about the baby, my mind became a fear monger of “What if,” scenarios.  I could not shake the thoughts, but I could feel the tension being created in my body.  The tension was not localized, and could be felt all over.  This time noticing it and allowing it did not give me the same relief.  What I did instead is recognized the thoughts as just thoughts, not reality.  This enabled me to relax for brief periods, but I was unable to be fully at ease until we had our visit with the Nurse and learned everything was fine.

There will always be life situations like this that have the ability to engender fear.  Accepting fear when it occurs (instead of resisting it) is very important.  However, realizing that the root of the fear is believing our thoughts is even more important.  Once that’s realized, the thoughts can be looked at impartially as part of the human condition, not as if they were true.


As I was writing this up I felt moved to write a poem.

The End of Fear

In the end, there was the beginning
A circle brought to life, only not to end
Where am I to go?
Trapped in eternity
Scared to stop
Scared to move forward
Unable to do either
Unable to do both
Where am I to go?
No where but here
What about fear?
There is only fear if you allow there to be
Turn your attention toward it
See if that fear is real
Electrical impulses given a four letter word is all that’s really there
Being trapped, unable to move or stop, are just concepts
The domino effect of belief ends in fear
Fear ends in the recognition of its origin

The Final Chapter (not really)

I knew I wanted to compile a book out of my past writings a year or two ago, but felt like I really wasn’t quite qualified enough.  I’m not some enlightened spiritual teacher, so I had to wonder if my words were really worthy enough to be contained in a book to be read by people who might be looking for the secret to inner peace, etc.  Isn’t that like the blind leading the blind?

These limiting thoughts were delaying my decision to complete the book, in the hopes that one day I would be “enlightened” and be able to bring the book to a better climax, such as, “Then, it happened.  My perspective shifted ever so slightly, and all became known.  I realized that there are no individuals, and that we are all one.  Part of a cosmic consciousness pretending to be human beings, etc.”  What a great ending that would have made, right?

It finally dawned on me that I was holding back out of fear of what projected “others” might think about some guy writing a book about enlightenment without being enlightened.  Who would read that?  Not me.  My “time” is too valuable for that ;-) When I finally recognized and acknowledged that old program of insufficiency running interference, I decided to push forward.  There will be plenty of critics, but I think there will be a larger number of people who get something from reading it (at least I hope so).  I know I sure did when I went back to read all of my old posts again.

Anyway, once I decided to finalize the book, assembly and proofreading turned out to be fairly time consuming.  But the challenge I’m facing at this moment is how to end this thing.  I’m going to continue writing, and have already written a few other things to be posted later.  Since there is no end in sight, how can I just abruptly say, “Okay, that’s it for now.  Stay tuned for the next one.”  No, I have to come up with a concluding chapter that does this book some justice.  Or do I?  Maybe I could just say, “Well, this seems like as good a stopping point as any.  The End.”  That’s sounding pretty good about now.

Maybe I could find a way that leaves people hanging on the edge of their seat in some way, like those season finales on TV that leave you going, “Those bastards!  They can’t just leave it like that!”  That would be fun if it were that kind of book.  Maybe my next book will be fiction and I can do just that.  But where does fiction end and non-fiction begin?

Your life is like a work of fiction starring you, and it has all of the different plot twists, comedy, drama, and boringness that any movie that lasts for 80 plus years would have.  We’re all pretending to be stars in our own movie, which features all sorts of guest stars.  If you’re reading these words right now, then I’ve stopped in to be a guest star in your movie (Hi there!).  When I go to the store, all of the other shoppers and check out clerk have become guest stars in my movie.  But how much more fun would it be if you actually realized it was all just a movie?  Then you could step out of it and enjoy it more fully.  When you’re trapped in it, the suffering of the main character seems so personal and yucky.  I invite you to examine what if feels like to be the watcher of your life as it unfolds, instead of being identified with your character.  It’s just like any dream where you are actually all of the characters in the dream, instead of the lead actor.

Could it be true?  Look around.  Could this all be a dream?  Could I actually be all of the characters in the dream and not know it?  Has it all been scripted out since the day I was born, or is it being written and directed on the fly?  Do I have any control over what’s going to happen next, or is the only power I have to step out of the dream and wake up?  Most, if not all, movies have a happy ending.  What if this one does too?  Can I finally relax and not sweat the small stuff?  What if recognizing that there is a happy ending creates a happy ending that never ends?  Wouldn’t it be nice to live that happily ever after Now?  Now is all there is, and that happy ending that never ends is concealed in that Now that never ends.

The End ;-)

PS

You are perfect!  You are loved!  You are here!  What a glorious gift it is to be alive.  Don’t squander it pretending to be something smaller than you are.  Wake Up!

Teacher Resources

I have included a list of some of the most helpful and influential spiritual teachers I’ve encountered below.  They aren’t really in any particular order, and it is by all means not inclusive.  There are many more teachers that I have encountered only briefly, but whose words have been helpful.

Byron Katie - What can you say about Katie?  All I can say is read one of her books and see for yourself.  Some may call her a self help guru, but she is just a beacon in the night inviting people to question their beliefs.  “A Thousand Names for Joy” is hands down one of my favorite books, but her other books are great too.
    http://www.thework.com
    http://www.byronkatie.com

Eckhart Tolle - Eckhart is probably one of the most well known spiritual teachers in the Western world.  His teachings have touched tens of thousands of people, and that circle of influence continues to spread.  I think the reason for his popularity is that his pointers are simple and resonate with people on a very basic level.  Just a glimpse of what life in the present moment is like is enough for people to want more presence in their life.
    http://www.eckharttolle.com

Adyashanti - I’ve enjoyed several of Adya’s books (i.e. “Emptiness Dancing,” “The Impact of Awakening,” etc.), but his website has a great deal of free audio and essays as well.  I highly recommend checking him out.
    http://www.adyashanti.org

Gangaji - For me, Gangaji rounds out the top four of the most well renowned Western spiritual teachers.  I enjoyed her books, “A Diamond in Your Pocket” and “You Are That,” as well as many of the writings and videos I found on her website and You Tube.
    http://www.gangaji.org

John Sherman - John was one of Gangaji’s students when he was serving time in prison (her prison outreach program has helped a number of people).  All of his teachings are free through his website in the form of eBooks and webcasts.  His message is as simple as the nose on your face – just look a yourself (figuratively).  He has several websites that I recommend you check out.  I also invite you to join the Just One Look email list to become a part of the inward looking movement.
    http://www.justonelook.org
    http://www.riverganga.org
    http://www.thefearoflife.org
    http://www.lookatyourself.org
    http://www.johnsherman.org
    http://www.silentheart.net

Katie Davis - One of my other favorite books is, “Awake Joy: The Essence of Enlightenment,” by Katie Davis.  Her teaching approach is from the heart and points us back to who we are in our essence.  She makes herself very available to people interested in awakening.  I highly recommend you check out her website and blog, as well as the free videos she has to offer.  Her husband, Sundance Burke, is also a spiritual teacher you might enjoy.
    http://www.katiedavis.org
    http://www.awakebykatie.blogspot.com

Gina Lake - Gina has written numerous wonderful books, and has a great deal of audio, video, and excerpts on her website.  Her teaching is like a combination of Eckhart Tolle and Byron Katie, which is probably why I resonate with it.  She is also very approachable for people with questions.
    http://www.radicalhappiness.com

Nirmala - Gina Lake’s husband, Nirmala, is also a spiritual teacher.  His teachings point us back to the direct experience of Being in a direct, no nonsense way.  I recommend you check out his website as well.
    http://www.endless-satsang.com

Jeannie Zandi - I had my first real heart opening experience during my first satsang with Jeannie.  Her message is one of Love, Beauty and Surrender.  Truly a lovely human being.
    http://www.jeanniezandi.com

Norio Xoximei Kushi - Norio is a truck driver by trade, who experienced an awakening while driving cross country.  He points out beautifully how language is the root of our confusion, and how tangled up in words we’ve become.
    http://www.demystifyenlightenment.org

Scott Kiloby - Scott has a simple approach as well.  He writes about overcoming suffering and addiction, as well as stepping out of the story we have mistaken ourselves to be.
    http://www.kiloby.com

Karen Richards - Karen is a wonderful young woman with a very large heart.  Her invitation to investigate the nature of reality resonates with a vast number of people, and I recommend you check her out on her website and on Facebook.
    http://karen-richards.com
   
Karen McPhee - I highly recommend you check out the free guided meditations on Karen’s website.  She was one of Eckhart’s students turned teacher, and has a very nice way of pointing people toward the present moment.
    http://www.livingnow.ca

Pamela Wilson - In listening to some audio of Pamela, I realized that loving the ego was actually more important than trying to get rid of it.  She teaches us to embrace all of our so-called negative sides, and get curious about it all.
    http://www.pamelasatsang.com

Catherine Ingram - The thing I remember most about reading Catherine’s book “Passionate Presence” is the quote, “Just this.”  It gave me a new felt understanding of what presences is all about.
    http://www.dharmadialogues.org

Bentinho Massaro - Bentinho is a very young man with a great deal of joy that he exudes in the rapidly growing number of videos he’s putting out there.  Check out his website as well as You Tube.
    http://www.free-awareness.com

Benjamin Smythe - His message is simple, “You’re Perfect.”  He has a great sense of humor about everything and is very reassuring about the fact that you can’t do this life thing wrong.  Check out his quotes and videos.
    http://www.benjamintsmythe.com

Rupert Spira - Rupert uses the direct approach of experiencing what’s here, now.  He has a lot of questions answered on his website, as well as video inteviews.
    http://non-duality.rupertspira.com/page.aspx

Though there are a whole host of teachers out of India, my studies have been with mostly Western teachers and I am only familiar with a few from the East.  I can safely say that the words of the following teachers have been of great use to me.  They are also some of the most well-known sages of the 20th century.  They have all passed away now, but all of them have left behind a legacy that will continue to influence many generations to come.  I’ve included some web sites to use as starting points, which have links to countless other sites out there for each.  I’m sure you will find some powerful quotes that will  resonate with you.

Sri Ramana Maharshi - The Father of Self Inquiry himself.  All paths lead here.  “Who am I?”
    http://www.nonduality.com/ramana.htm

Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj - The original stand as Awareness man.  “I Am That.”
    http://www.nonduality.com/nisarga.htm

HWL Poonja (Papaji) - Known for saying, “Call off the search.  Stop.  Be still.”
    http://www.avadhuta.com

David Hawkins - I owe David a big thank you for the guidance I needed when I first started looking for answers to life’s big questions.  His book, “Power vs. Force” was the first book I read on enlightenment, and it really cracked open my mind.  I was hooked, and read all seven of his books (he has written more since then).  I also joined a Hawkins discussion group, met lots of great people, and eventually found all of these other great teachers.  I drifted away from his teachings after discovering Tolle, and never really looked back.  One of the faults I found in David’s teaching was that he made it seem as if obtaining enlightenment was damn near impossible (and very painful).  It also seemed to me like David’s writing was becoming more unnecessarily political, which is when I knew I had gotten all I could get out of his teachings.
    http://www.veritaspub.com

There are several other websites that serve as reliable resources for people wanting to find out more about different teachers.  Though this isn’t an all inclusive list, I am familiar enough with these sites to recommend them.  Just like any other search, one page leads to another, and another, and you always find just what you need at just the right time.

Satsang Teachers - I have to recommend this website because it led me to discover several lesser known teachers that I probably never would have found otherwise.  There are a rapidly growing number of teachers out there, and this site is designed to be a calendar listing for all of the ones that are currently active.  I can’t vouch for all of the ones listed, but I know at least a dozen of them from personal experience and am reassured that they are doing some sort of screening before listing them.
    http://www.satsangteachers.com

Here are a few other sites of interest.  If you have more teachers to recommend or resources you would like to share with others, feel free to write a reply comment to this blog post.
    http://www.nonduality.com
    http://www.stillnessspeaks.com
    http://www.nevernothere.com

Tis the Season to Be Jolly (or Not)

In preparing for the holidays, we’ve been putting up decorations, lights a tree, etc.  We didn’t do much of this last year because of my wife’s health and the pregnancy related complications leading up to Christmas, so it was important for us to get some of this done early this year.  Shelby decided she wanted some outdoor ornaments (some lighted balls), which proved to be hard to find.  We went to half a dozen stores looking for just the right thing, but we never found what she wanted and ended up buying the materials at a craft store that would come close to replicating it.

During this shopping excursion, which seemed to last many hours stretched over two days, I found myself being negative and feeling a bit put out by having to drive around town and browse stores during a busy holiday weekend.  I was trying not to complain, but I felt like I had been taken over by this entity of unhappiness and couldn’t snap out of it (often referred to by Eckhart Tolle as the pain body).  I would periodically become aware of my unconsciousness, but it didn’t do any good.  In fact, noticing my unconscious behavior seemed to frustrate me even more.  I was negatively judging myself for being negative, and the vicious cycle of judgment had begun.

There I was, the guy who likes to write about how perfect things are, and how all suffering is self-induced, etc., and yet I seemed stuck in a stereotypical male role of following my wife around a store with my hands in my pockets, feigning interest in things she pointed out, hoping that it would be over soon.  The underlying dis-ease came from a desire to be somewhere else, and the desire not to spend too much money on this project (a good example of how desire is at the root of all evil ;-).  I could periodically see myself in that disgruntled role, implying that there was at least a glimmer of consciousness shining through, but not enough to break free of the spell.

When I checked in with my body, I noticed I was feeling fatigued and wondered if my physical state was contributing to my psychological state.  Which came first?  The physical dis-ease or the psychological manifestation of negativity?  While I was looking for something to blame for my bad mood, I remembered a quote from A Course in Miracles, “I could be seeing Peace instead of this.”  I knew from past experience that this was true, but I couldn’t see it in this particular circumstance.

I finally had a moment of clarity and remembered that acceptance of one’s own resistance is necessary when you find yourself in a situation that seems unacceptable.  I would usually associate this measure (of accepting one’s inability to accept something) with a much more serous life situation, such as great suffering, illness, etc., rather than a trip to a busy shopping center, but to each his or her own. 

Upon this re-realization, I reassured myself that it was completely okay for me to feel stressed, bitchy, etc.  In effect, I forgave myself for my own non-acceptance (and for being a bit of a jerk).  After that it felt like a weight had been lifted.  I was able to relax a bit simply by being okay with my own resistance, and, interestingly enough, when you’re okay with not being okay, everything feels okay :-)

This re-discovery of the power of acceptance didn’t occur until near the end of our shopping excursion, and a nice scenic drive home helped round out what was an enlightening day of doing things that I didn’t want to do, but had to be done.  I share this with you, knowing that it may damage your opinion of me, in hopes that it may help you get through the holiday season in One Peace.

The Underlying Should

My wife and I started attending a perinatal loss support group not long after we lost our daughter, Stella. It has been quite helpful to share our story with others and to hear what others have been through. I was amazed at how common infant loss really is, whether it's in the form of miscarriage or still birth or some other form death before a child's first birthday. The statistics are quite humbling, and it's safe to say that you know someone, or know someone that knows someone, who has experienced a loss of this nature. People just don't talk about it, which is why support groups, both online and in person, are so helpful.

In one of our discussions at a recent support group meeting we were talking about interpersonal relationships, and one of the men said that he didn’t like to be “should on.” When he felt like someone was telling him how he should feel, or what he should do, he would tell them, “Don’t should on me!” I’ve known for some time that “should” was a word to watch out for, but I was glad to hear someone else acknowledge it.

“Should” is often used in a way that implies we know how things are supposed to be (“supposed to” is another way of saying “should”). This implies that we know how life should be unfolding in any given situation. We get upset or experience some form of frustration when we're wrong about things, which is why we never really allow ourselves to admit when we're wrong. Instead of accepting being wrong, we declare our rightness by saying things should be different in order for them to be right, or at least meet our vision of what's right. So, you could say that no one is ever wrong about anything and that it’s the world that’s wrong, which explains a great deal about human conflict -- both internal and external.

Though “should” usually comes from a place of “I know best,” it doesn’t always come across as negative. It can be as innocent as, “You should try some of this pie,” or some other type of invitation, or positive encouragement to join in something someone thinks you would enjoy. But it can be a slippery slope to more negative things if you decline an invitation but are continually pressured, or made to feel bad for declining. A slight shift can also turn an invitation into a suggestion with negative undertones, like, “You should really stop eating pie.”

As you can see there is a gray area, and the person being "should upon" could easily feel like a victim regardless of the intentions of the "shoulder." However, most people are well-intentioned since they think they're right about everything. They are just innocently trying to make everything else right that they see wrong, or make everything the way it should be. Makes sense doesn't it? After all, that's what we’ve been doing all along.

The bottom line is that the word "should" is usually at the root of all mental or emotional suffering. Look at any aspect of your life that makes you feel angry, sad, frustrated, etc., then look for the "should." When you feel a negative emotion, it typically means that something is wrong, as in something out there doesn't mesh with the way things are supposed to be.

The root “should” will take various forms. “He shouldn’t have said that.” “She should treat me better.” “He should be more understanding.” “I should have reacted differently.” “I should be able to afford nicer things.” In the context of our recent loss, the underlying should would be, "My baby should not have died." It all boils down to one central theme, “Things should be different than they are.” The effects of a “should” range from mild frustration to deep sorrow, but you can always find a “should” where suffering is apparent.

How can I stop shoulding on myself and others? I can notice it. I can look for it when I feel upset and question it. Is it true that this or that should have happened or not happened? How did I get to be all knowing enough to decide what should or should not be? I can’t possibly know the reason behind things that happen, and I can second guess them to death, but it just leads to more suffering. I’ve found that it’s much more helpful to recognize that “what is” could not be otherwise. Acceptance of “what is” is the only antidote for compulsive shoulding, and is also the key to peace. Acceptance is a way of saying, “Things are exactly as they should be, whether I can see any logic to it or not.”

Be careful not to should on yourself for shoulding. That just leads to circular frustration and is a form of not accepting your own habitual tendencies. In other words, don’t think that you should be more accepting than you are. Just notice when a “should” appears and look at it without judgment. Gradually the “shoulds” will become more apparent and cease to arise as much, or at least lose their power to cause suffering.

When it comes to relating to others, watch for “shoulding on another shoulder.” In other words, when someone else tells you what you should or should not be doing, and you say, “Don’t should on me,” it’s another way of telling them what they should not be doing. By all means, feel free to call someone out if you feel so compelled, just notice that you are matching their “should” with your own. Another option in that situation is to notice that they are doing to you what you have been doing to yourself and others all of your life: acting out of habitual tendency. When you notice their “should” without judgement or “counter-shoulding,” conflicts (internal and external) quickly subside along with the negative feelings that typically arise when you are being “should upon.”

You can’t do this life thing wrong, but you can live with more peace when you get tired of suffering. So, consider this to be a polite invitation to see what it’s like without “shoulds.”

Be well,
Trey

Stella’s Life

My wife Shelby was admitted to the hospital on December 20th after she started feeling chest, back and arm pains. Since she was 23 weeks pregnant, we called the OB on call who confirmed that we needed to come to the hospital for some testing. She was diagnosed with HELLP syndrome, where the blood platelet count drops and liver enzymes rise to dangerous levels. Two different OB/GYNs we had seen in the past confirmed that they needed to “take” the baby in order to save Mom. They also told us that our little girl was too small to survive outside of the womb. By now she was about 3 weeks behind where she should have been size wise and too small to be “viable.”

We found out earlier in the pregnancy that she had a congenital heart defect, which was determined to be very operable with good chances of survival. We had also been told that she would most likely have Down syndrome. Though all of that news was absolutely devastating at the time, we took things one day at a time, and gradually came to grips with the prognosis. Despite all of our worries about the future of our child, we were looking forward to welcoming her into this world with love and kisses.

On December 23rd at 5:43 p.m., Shelby give birth to our baby girl, Stella Grace. But this didn’t happen on its own. It took several days and different methods of induction to finally bring about contractions. Stella just didn’t want to come, which made things that much more painful. The pain of dragging out the inevitable took its toll emotionally and physically. Shelby was subject to constant blood draws, blood pressure checks, and temperature monitoring. Her arms were black and blue from all of the needle sticks and IV ports. Since Shelby’s health was stable, all we could do was wait.

When the time finally came, Stella came quick. The doctor had just finished an exam, indicating that Shelby had finally dilated to 3 centimeters (they thought she needed to be at 5). The doctor and the nurse were on their way out when Shelby cried out that something was wrong. They seemed to think she was just having another contraction until her water broke and a little pair of legs poked out. As I stood there watching in a state of shock, the nurse and I helped her lay back. I held one of Shelby’s legs and the nurse the other, while the doctor started assisting in the birth, and Shelby started pushing.

As I watched, I remained calm and kept reassuring Shelby that she was doing great and that everything was going just fine. In reality, I was scared of what was about to happen, but I knew deep down that it was going to be okay. I tried to convey that trust to Shelby by smiling as she kept pushing.

It was a breach birth in which the feet and body came out first, and the umbilical cord was wrapped around Stella’s neck making her head a bit harder to come free. After some delicate coaxing, the doctor finally got the baby out. The doctor cut the cord, wrapped up the baby and put her in Shelby’s arms. I knew our little girl was either already dead, or only had a short time to live, so we just started caressing her and talking to her.

The nurse listened with her stethoscope and told us that there was a heartbeat. We just stroked her, and cried, and smiled at each other as little Stella laid on Shelby’s heart. She was tiny, only 9.8 ounces, but fully formed. She gasped for air a couple of times, which just broke our hearts more. We knew her lungs were not formed enough to actually breath, which is why they told us there was no chance of survival. She moved her tiny little arms, once to grab Shelby’s finger, and another time to put her own thumb in her mouth. She was too precious.

Our parents were all in the room and got to touch and talk to Stella as she laid on Shelby to keep warm. Another check of the heart by the nurse indicated the heartbeat was very faint. We cried and smiled and stroked her little head some more as the minutes ticked by. We took several pictures to capture the moment as best we could. Finally, at around 7:30 pm, she was pronounced dead.

At that point we requested that they do the same thing they do with living infants, so they took her weight, measurements, and footprints. They dressed her in a dress we chose from their selection and took some more pictures. We finally decided enough was enough and they took her away. I have to say that the nursing staff was so wonderful. It made a very difficult situation much easier. These women put the “care” back in “Healthcare” and I admire their level of compassion.

It was an emotionally and physically exhausting experience for us all, but especially Shelby. She did so great. She was such a wonderful mother even though she had such a short time. She made sure Stella stayed warm as best she could, and made sure she felt loved as long as she could. I only wish it could have been longer.

Shelby was finally released from the hospital on Christmas morning. Leaving the maternity ward empty handed on Christmas was a tough thing to do to say the least. The walls were covered with pictures of beautiful little babies being held by adoring parents. It was as beautiful site as it was painful.

So now we’re learning to deal with the pain of a love lost. Shelby’s pain is understandably greater since she was the vessel for this life. She loved being pregnant, feeling the tiny movements and kicks that I could never really feel. I do my best to comfort her and love her, though I can only imagine how deeply her heart aches to have Stella Grace back in her arms.

Love was brought to life that day, if for no other reason, to show us that Love is eternal.

(See the full details of Stella’s memorial service)

The Miracle of Life

I am pleased to announce to the world that my wife Shelby and I are expecting. By that I mean that she’s pregnant with our first child, who has an ETA of April 17, 2011. Needless to say, this a very exciting time for both of us. A miracle is unfolding as we speak :)

To be honest, I never really had any interest in kids up until a year or two ago. Before that, I thought all of my friends were crazy for wanting them. I saw procreation as something that people were just programmed to do, and I didn’t feel that same software running in me. But, as I started realizing that the secret to life’s beauty and perfection lay in the eyes of innocence, I started paying more attention to children, especially infants, and how they view this world. That was the kindling that started the flame of interest.

When you look at a wide-eyed baby staring at everything around them for the first time ever, it can give you an appreciation for the miracle of being present only to this moment, in all its glory. They see everything without a story, without judgments. They are born free from preconceived notions and beliefs, and completely open to what life has to offer (that doesn’t necessarily mean they like everything it has to offer). Infants have no fear of gaping at other people, or doing other things that adults tend to be embarrassed by, because they are ego-less beings. Babies are like little Buddhas, staring through untainted eyes, inviting us to do the same if we are willing.

As my appreciation for infants deepened, my desire to have a baby increased as well. It was like my biological clock had finally started ticking, and my wife and I started seriously talking about having a baby for the first time in our almost 20 year relationship. It was finally time.

Once the magic stick appeared with a pink plus sign, we were both excited, but it didn’t seem real until our first real Doctor’s appointment, where we got to see a little dancing being on the computer screen. Here was this tiny little organism that would one day be a human being.

That’s when I started visualizing holding our child for the first time, staring into its all knowing eyes, while I cry tears of joy at what a beautiful miracle this Life is. How magical it is to be able to create life. It’s something I always took for granted until it dawned on me how magnificent it really is. Life has been giving birth to Life since the beginning of time, and I never really appreciated it until now. I now understand why they refer to babies as little Bundles of Joy, because that’s exactly what they are. I tear up just thinking about seeing him or her smiling for the first time :)

It may seem to go without saying, but everyone you see around you was a tiny little Bundle of Joy at one point (technically we all started as tadpoles, but that’s neither here nor there). Imagine that! Every person that you meet is still that same innocent baby all dressed up in a mask. We start weaving our identity masks at young ages, and have them well crafted by adulthood, but nothing underneath has really changed since the day we were born. If you really take a close look at a stranger or a loved one, you can see the child in them, hiding under that mask. When you set aside your own mask, and look at the world through the eyes of the child you once were (and still are), you can see the innocence of others reflected back at you. It’s almost as if our mask creates theirs.

I’m ready for little baby Boo (our nick name for him/her) to show me the way to unmasked Love, though it’s hard to imagine not breaking down into tears of joy each time I look into those eyes. As you can probably tell, I am very excited about being a father (it still sounds kinda weird to say that), and I’m glad we waited until we were older to have a child because I needed to feel this sense of gratitude in order to be the best possible parent.

I could write for hours on this subject, but let me just end by saying, “Here’s to the miracle we call Life and all the Love it has to bring.” <3

In Peace and Love,
Trey

Your Body as an Antenna

Close your eyes and visualize your body as an antenna, picking up invisible waves of energy from the environment around you. Feel the vibrational frequencies permeating your body. Do you experience a tingling sensation? Listen as your ears pick up sound waves coming in from all directions. Feel those same sound waves entering your body as well. Bask in the vibrations.

Feel the aliveness in your body as it breathes in air and expels it. Feel the body where it touches the chair you are sitting in. Stay with the sensations that are constantly being felt in the body. Give your full attention to the bodily sensations.

Do you notice that the mind goes quiet as you do this? Many people say they wish there was an off switch for the mind. Well this is it. You can’t give your full attention to your bodily senses and think at the same time.

Check back in with the sensations being received by the body. The head is the part of the body that receives the most sensations, like the top of an antenna. It hears, sees, smells, tastes, as well as feels.

Close your eyes again and check in with your head, the most sensitive part of the antenna. Listen to the sounds ~ Feel the face ~ “Look” at the empty space between your ears where the brain is located. Do you feel the alive emptiness of your head? It’s quiet in there even as it takes in sounds.

Focus on that silent, empty space inside your head. Focus on the silence underneath the sounds. If thoughts interrupt this silence, focus your attention on the silence underneath the thoughts, and on the silence which exists before and after the thoughts. Does this empty space in your head have any boarders? Keep your eyes closed and notice if that empty silence actually expands beyond the space between your ears. It’s all around the body, as well as within.

With your eyes open, look around and receive the visual input of the things around you. As you look around, wonder to yourself what it is that’s looking through these eyes. Look at the words on this page as if they are nothing more than shapes. These black characters are being seen by something. What is that something? Is it that same empty space behind your eyes? Focus your attention on that space as you read the following:

Space is behind my eyes.
Emptiness is looking at these words.
Is this what I am?
These words are being experienced, rather than read.
They are being felt as they enter the body through my eyes.
One ~ word ~ at ~ a ~ time.
With eyes closed, experiencing continues.
There is only this.
Silent experiencing.

Enjoy the peace that is available simply by paying attention to the experience.
Trey

Inescapable Here

I’ve always been here.
Never to be anywhere else.
I can’t get away from here.
I try to be somewhere else, but I’m still here.
I leave and yet here follows.
I’m momentarily lost. Where am I?
I’m still here I just wasn’t looking.
I can’t get out of here. I can’t escape here. I’m eternally here.

I always thought I was going somewhere.
Now I know I’ll never get there.
Here is the only place on earth, and everything happens here.
Where else would I want to be?
Where else could I be?

We’re in the same here.
Together and here.
That’s where we’ve always been.
You seem to be way over there, but you’re still here.
Even when you’re not around, you’re still here.
My here, your here, our here, only one here.

Where is here?
Here is where I am laying in bed.
Later, here is at the market.
Then, here becomes a dentist’s office.
Here seems to be changing constantly.
Here I’m sitting cross-legged, here I am standing, here I am walking.
Every moment here seems to be somewhere else, but here never really changes.

Here, present, now.
Nothing not here.
Just here.
Just this.
Only here.

Trying to Make Sense of It All

Hey Guys,

For many of us, Autumn is approaching as the northern half of the planet begins to seemingly tilt away from the sun. The Fall Equinox is about a week away, and change is much more noticeable as days shorten, temperatures cool and leaves begin to fall. Change is constant, but one thing remains the same, and that reliable constancy is what most of us are all looking for in order to feel safe and secure.

I’ve written a bit about how we tend to go about finding that one constant truth a bit before, but this writing came out of a recent discussion regarding the analytical approach to truth seeking. Being a very analytical person myself, it was fairly easy to analyze the process of analysis ;)

Definitions:
Reduction - Latin - To lead back, or bring down the size, quantity, value or intensity of something

Deduction - Latin - To move away from, or infer from a general principle

Words at their very basic level are vibrations of the vocal chords that we ascribe meaning to. Each vibratory noise has a definition, typically one that has been agreed upon by those in a given society who speak a common language. If you believe in evolution, then it’s safe to say that millions of years ago words began to form as a necessary part of human survival and development. As the human species began to migrate, so did different languages. I have no idea how the evolution of languages (much less dialects) really happened, but it is certainly a fascinating area to explore.

An interesting thing about language is that most words not only have an accepted dictionary definition, but are also accompanied by a mental image. That mental image usually varies from person to person, and is unique to his or her upbringing – cultural, parental, educational, etc. From that perspective it could be said that no two people “see” anything the same way since everything we see or experience is filtered through, and interpreted by, our personal grasp of language. For example, say the word “tree” and a mental image pops up of something, whether it is a generic tree or a specific tree, its setting is going to look different from the image that comes to mind for anyone else. As far as I can tell, the same is true for most words in our language.

So, what does this mean? It means that we are all seeing the world as one big run on definition, which we tend to assume is the same as everyone else’s run on definition. Then, when we encounter someone who has a different definition of something, we think they are wrong. Why wouldn’t we? After all, we have spent our entire lives determining which definitions are true and which aren’t by using language to define the world and ourselves.

How did we determine what’s true and what’s not? How did we go about figuring out this whole ball of wax? I would suggest it’s been through a process of reduction and deduction. First, we reduce the Universe into manageable concepts. It seems too much to take in as it is, so we organize it using words and categories, which formulate the foundation of our beliefs about the world. Instead of seeing shapes and colors, we learn to see things as distinct objects with names and characteristics. This starts when we are very young as our parents introduce us to the world we inhabit, and it is absolutely necessary for our growth and survival.

As we reduce the world out there into digestible ideas, we use those ideas to learn more about how the world works, and how we fit into it. In order to do that, we make deductions based on a combination of our acquired concepts and experiences (i.e. everything we have ever said, done, read, heard, seen, etc.). We combine our definitions with our experiences, and use them to determine what the world is really about. It would seem we are hard wired to desire knowing the truth, even if it’s only a relative truth.

Therefore, we reduce the whole into parts, then deduce or infer from our knowledge of those parts in an attempt to know the whole. So what happened to the whole that we had to reduce to find out what’s true and what’s not? We stripped it of its wholeness, then rebuilt it using words that someone handed us with attached definitions, which we assumed to be accurate. It’s still whole, we’re just not seeing it that way any more. We’re stuck seeing our interpretations of it.

So, if our desire to know the truth is indeed instinctual, we go about trying to find the whole again (i.e. truth) with our filtered and diluted deductions about the world. We’ve broken it down, then built it back up, but can never completely rebuild it. It’s like a jigsaw puzzle of the Universe where pieces are missing – we are constantly running into gaps as we try to rebuild it.
When we run across an area where a piece is missing, we either fill it in by deduction (cutting a piece to fit), or just forget about it and leave it blank. But, no matter how hard we try, we’ll never get an accurate view by using what we’ve learned. That’s why it’s said that discovering the truth involves unlearning what we think we know, and a surrendering of our preconceived ideas, beliefs, and opinions.

Our ability to parse environmental data and extrapolate that information to reach certain conclusions about the inner workings of the world is a wonderful gift. The mind is a very powerful tool, and all you have to do is look around to see examples of how well it has served the evolution of the world we live in. All of the modern technology we take for granted (i.e. the wheel, indoor plumbing, electricity, atom bombs, iPods, etc.), we owe to the incredible power of the mind. But it’s important to realize that it has an equally destructive side to it that has resulted in hundreds of years of war and suffering.

However, if you look you will see that most of the mind’s energy is wasted on trivial matters: dwelling on past conversations, speculating on future encounters, wondering what others think of us, passing judgment, singing a song you can’t get out of your head, etc. Here’s a quote from Gina Lake’s book “Radical Happiness.”

“We need the mind to function, but it is also full of useless and incorrect information – conditioning – that passes as facts. We need the aspect of the mind that allows us to do mental work, but we don’t actually need the egoic mind to function. Self-realization entails a certain mastery of the mind that includes being aware of our thoughts and being able to discriminate between ones that have some truth and usefulness and ones that don’t.”

Finding the truth involves finding who we were before we “knew” everything. That’s why the present moment is the key. Without past everything becomes new again, just like when we were infants looking at this world in a state of awe. Katie Davis says it well in her book “Awake Joy” – “When you are free of past mental images, you recognize that the world is created new every moment that you become aware of it.”

That new and mysterious world is staring you in the face 24 hours a day, and has been all along. Do you want to see it for what it truly is? You have to be willing to set aside everything you hold true. Drop all of your labels and look at what’s in front of you right now.

Peace,
Trey

P.S.
Here’s a parting quote from Eckhart Tolle’s book “Stillness Speaks” – “When you perceive without interpretation, you can then sense what it is that is perceiving. The most we can say in language is that there is a field of alert stillness in which the perception happens. Through “you,” formless consciousness has become aware of itself.”

Spiritual Correctness

I hope you all are doing well and enjoying the Summer heat. Enjoy it while it lasts ;)

I've been sitting on this blog post for a while now. It's created a bottle neck effect on the other ones that want to push through and be shared, so I had to get it off my chest, so to speak.

I have found myself at a bit of a crossroads lately. I’ve written quite a bit on the subject of “enlightenment” over the last few years, much of it representing where I envisioned readers to be on their own path, which has also reflected where I have been on mine. However, I have tried to avoid certain ideas that might turn some people off. As I ran across quotes and insights, each one was instantly judged based on how useful it would be for my projected audience. As time went on, I found myself revising my writing more and more to make the message more palatable for the potential readers in my mind. All of this has become much more noticeable of late, which makes me think I used to be less concerned about how my message was received than I am now.

The Internet has increased the exposure of my writing, and its potential circle of influence and exposure. The potential audience has now diversified and left me a bit uncertain as to who will be reading these words. Will it be spiritual adepts, teachers, critics, or will it be the curious and beginning seekers (which seems to be mainly who I have had in mind when I write)? Is it possible to write something that resonates with everyone? Whose needs am I trying to appeal to anyway?

Up until now, I have had a “known” audience of about 90 people on an email list comprised of friends, family, and acquaintances, plus a blog. So, I have written with many of those people in mind. Now, there are online discussion groups popping up all over for Truth seeking people and those interested in enlightenment. There are a lot of people out there, such as myself, who have a very firm grasp on the ideas surrounding enlightenment. They have it all figured out on an intellectual level, have had a few awakening experiences, and want to tell people how it is. I’m no different, but I am not one to debate another on what’s true and what’s not (at least not openly ;), but that’s what I have seen in some of these online discussion forums.

There are those people drawn to these discussion groups wanting more insights from fellow seekers or teachers. Then there are others who seem to have all the answers, while others who disagree and point out inconsistencies in what someone else has said. Ultimately they are all saying what’s true for them and disagreeing with someone else who doesn’t see things the same way. In many cases it’s a philosophical debate over semantics among egos about Oneness.

After seeing this a couple of times, I decided these groups weren’t for me. Obviously there is no harm in a friendly debate, which is what these tend to be. But if I don’t resonate with what’s being said on a deep level, then it’s just brain candy and fodder for the ego. Having said that, I have benefitted from this ego fodder because it has pointed out my own judgments I have about people, but that’s a different story.

I have found online discussion forums that are a bit more structured, which involve an actual teacher answering questions, that serves members well. A spiritual teacher who is willing to foster and facilitate online discussions is a wonderful thing. Not only is it enlightening, but it prevents endless debates from arising, and actually points readers toward what lies underneath the words.

As for me, there is nothing I can say that is actually true (except for maybe what I just said). However, I am finding myself projecting out my own insecurities, being careful not to say something that an imaginary spiritual critic might take issue with. Basically, my ego is trying to protect itself from criticism by censoring what it says. The increasing tendency to revise is how its desire for praise is manifested. This is very interesting to notice and acknowledge, so I felt compelled to share it.

Of course, this idea filtering has been going on all along, I just happen to be noticing it more and more these days. Much of what I have written has been written with specific people (or types of people) in mind, and my perception of how my message would be received by those people based on my story of them. I have avoided using many terms and phrases that I thought might alienate those with only a mild curiosity, or those who still have firm beliefs. I would prefer to tone it down a bit rather than cause a mind to close down by stepping on a sacred cow (so to speak).

My intention has always been to spark interest in those who have accepted simply being content with life, rather than search for that unadulterated joy that’s at their fingertips. That joy is what we are all searching for, and I want everyone to know that it is attainable at this very moment. This is something that everyone should know.

Now that I am becoming connected with more and more people via Facebook, I am feeling a bit more pressured to watch what I say. There is great potential here to reach hundreds of people with tiny bits of wisdom that might resonate with someone who had no interest in the idea of enlightenment before. I think the key is not to make broad sweeping statements as an authority figure (i.e. “This is how it is.”), but instead scatter ideas or questions that might spark interest.

It’s yet another example of how I have been living my life. I find my actions governed by what I think “so and so” will think about such actions or words. It’s been that way all along and I’m seeing it for what it is more clearly now – protection of the ego. At this point I feel it’s time to be a bit more free with my words, with less concern about how the imagined world perceives them to be. I can learn more about myself by seeing the “me” in “you” anyway ;)

Peace,
Trey