Over the past few years (since around 2006 or so), I have been in an off and on state of mentally describing my discoveries on the topic of enlightenment, or awakening, or self-realization, or whatever word turns you on the most. I have found that as I begin to see through the illusory nature of the world, I begin to mentally talk about it. The mental movement comes from the idea or feeling that “This must be shared,” which is something I’m sure I’ve shared with you before.
This compulsion to share can be frustrating if looked as a mental distraction that perpetuates the ego, or it can be seen as a gift in disguise. Something has been driving me, to share these things with everyone I know. Mental notes to describe insights happen anyway, so why not just accept it and share them? They obviously want to be shared.
On some level, this sharing has been my life’s purpose for some time now. However, I’m not really the one doing the sharing and they’re not really my words. I am a pawn in the game of life being used to help other pawns realize their true nature. But that’s easy to loose sight of when you are still grappling with ego, and so the story of being the doer continues.
Recently it occurred to me that my desire to share insights with others might actually be a veiled form of resistence, or a desire for things to be different from the way they are. My desire would be for “my” words to intensify “your” desire to awaken. “I” desire for “you” to be different from the way “you” are (i.e. more enlightened). However, by doing The Work on this idea it becomes obvious that it’s actually “me” that I want to be different. After all, “you” are a mirror of what’s going on in “me” and are reflecting my own non-acceptance of who I am.
From that perspective there seems to be two movements going on – there is the desire for you/me to be different, as well as a compulsion to share things that might make a difference. Which comes first? Is it possible that the compulsion is always happening and that I am imposing the idea that it might be happening out of a desire for change? Or, do I want change so badly that I am driven to pass on pertinent information in hopes of bringing about that change? Are they really separate? Does it matter? Either way Life is living me and this mental dialogue is another way in which the mind likes to do what it does best – analyze the hell out of things.
I can spend my time trying to find answers, or I can spend my time trying to find the truth. The truth is that which has no answers. The truth is that which can’t be put into words. It’s the desireless state of full acceptance of what is. It’s unconditional love. What’s going on in our lives is exactly what needs to be going on in our lives. The life situation is an ongoing invitation for us to wake up out of the dream of being trapped inside a body with all of the problems that go with being trapped inside a body. Acceptance, not analysis, is key to self-realization.
With the idea in mind that everything happens a reason, there is a natural tendency to look at things that happen and search for specifics as to what it is life is actually trying to tell me. The situation can be looked at under a microscope for traces of answers that will satisfy the mind, or simply accepted as part of the play of life. So, why ask why, when you can ask who am I?