Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Epilepsy and acceptance

As many of you already know I have had epilepsy for three years (as of this coming November). It is actually what started my original investigation into consciousness, and why I started an email list that you are now reading. For the last year and a half I have been working on getting my driving privileges back, which requires going 6 months without a seizure. Interestingly enough every time I make it 6 months I have another breakthrough seizure, typically in the form of a partial complex as opposed to a grand mal (the partial seizures are much easier to live with but still prevent driving). In fact it has been about a year and a half since my last grand mal.

Having said that, as of Monday night I had been driving for a about a week for the first time in a long time and enjoying being able to take myself places, without imposing on anyone, when I had a grand mal seizure. I had just returned home from deeksha, which I have done several times before, parked in the driveway and felt the tell tale signs of an aura starting. I made my way upstairs and said hello to my wife, Shelby, but the aura had gotten stronger. She could tell something was not quite right and told me to sit down. It was a very strange sensation compared to past partials and I knew something was not quite right when I started spilling water on the floor, which I did twice before sitting down.

The next thing I really remember was coming to with Shelby on the phone telling someone I had had a seizure. My brother soon showed up and I could sense that they were both worried about me and wanted to take me to the hospital. I was too weak and cloudy headed to communicate with them effectively, but could understand everything they were saying and made it clear that I did not think that taking me in was necessary. It took me close to an hour before I had regained my ability to communicate effectively and answer questions.

It was during this recovery time that I tried to sit up several times. They were concerned about me getting up and insisted that I remained seated, so I did. After my seizure, I was in somewhat of a forced state of acceptance. Someone wants to put some juice in my mouth. Okay. Someone wants to put essential oil on my temples. Okay. Someone wants to prevent me from standing when I want to stand. Okay. The outcome of that is a much more peaceful state than one of resistance and struggle, especially when those around you are concerned for your well being and doing what they think is best to help.

In the end, I had a headache, a little bit of nausea, a sore tongue from being bitten and a little fatigue, but I have definitely had worse. What I got in return was a better grasp on the essence of acceptance that I have read so much about and shared with you all.

The truth is that we have no control over what happens to us at any given moment. We are totally and always at the mercy of what is, regardless of the lengths we go to. Any semblance of control is just an illusion. That’s why I needed epilepsy in my life – to show me the many facets of acceptance that can’t just be read about and understood. One would think the lesson would be obvious since it is a disorder that removes your ability to control your mind and body from you periodically. But it is just now being fully digested by my analytical brain, or should I say allowed to pass through it.

We experience frustration when what we are experiencing is different from what we think we should be experiencing. No problems exist in a state of acceptance to what is. This also does not mean you should do nothing to pursue what it is your body feels it needs. In the case of epilepsy, I have been following the increasing medication route for some time now, and will be exploring the Vegus Nerve Stimulator implant that has helped many other people overcome seizures. So, you see, I can fully accept my present moment situation and still not resign myself to being stuck in that situation. Rather than hit a wall and try to climb or punch through it, it’s like hitting a wall, acknowledging its presence and then searching for a way around it while accepting every part of the wall you encounter on the way.

In all honesty I think my mind was too cloudy to be integrating all of this that night, but it has all made a great deal more sense in retrospect. Epilepsy found me because it was what I needed to see the world for all of the beauty it possesses when I don’t impose my beliefs on it. Call me thick headed ;)
Take care,


Anonymous said...

Dear Trey,
My most blessed-seeming moments these days are made of the most bizarre realizations, including surprises at my new reactions to familiar stimuli. I was weirded out by the tears that came up as I read your own realization -- about the perfection of the current moment, comprehensible only in a state of total acceptance. How could a sympathetic/empathetic person weep tears of JOY while reading about a dear person having a seizure? Made no sense at all ... in the old "sense." But as I find myself almost completely without frames of reference for the new experiences, almost completely without outer compasses or traditional control/responsibility for outcomes, I find this inner awareness, this inner stillness, this singular point of inner perfection, to be the home I've always needed and never before felt. It can be so so hard to get to, when everything is smooth and easy outside.
How blessed my synchronicity-fired life is that I made connection with somebody who can not only experience the transcendence of a grand mal, but capture it and generously send it along so I can happily vibrate with it even as (especially as) I go through my own ground-level travails.
Blessings to you. Thank you.

Trey said...

Your post was quite a lovely thing to read. It also reminded me of how the next day, as I was fully reconciling the previous events and experiencing a calm state of beingness, I was almost moved to tears on a couple of occasions when talking to a family member and hearing the concern in their voice. It was almost like having tears of joy at the experience of being loved as well as tears for their concern over something that can only be accepted. My work is now to find that permanent state of beingness and share it with the world. Thanks for sharing.
Take care,